cross country

He was on his way from Boston to New Jersey to pick me up.   He had just sent me a text asking for the “addy” at my parents house.  We weren’t even on the road yet and Lasky was already making me furious.  I wouldn’t use the abbreviation “addy” if someone had a rifle pointed at my foot.  But that’s just what make’s Lasky and me different.  I’m perfect, and he’s a complete ape.

 I watched the moving truck bounce down the street I grew up on from my old bedroom window.  The truck was much too big.  I didn’t even have to see what was in the back to know it was too big.  Only an idiot would have rented a truck that size.

 Lasky got out of the truck and pointed at my neighbor’s bigger, nicer house and said, “Why couldn’t you live there?”  I hadn’t seen him in six days.  He seemed balder than I remembered.

“Come on let’s get out of here, these people are making me crazy!”  I said, hoping I wouldn’t have to introduce Lasky to my skittish mother.  “No way.”  Lasky said.  “I have to grab a quick shower.”  It was worse than I had feared.  My borderline agoraphobic mother would have Lasky parading around her sanctuary in a towel asking her if she thought he would be more attractive to women if he shaved his stomach.

I was about to introduce the two most annoying people in my life to one another.  “Mom, this is Lasky.  Lasky, this is my mom.”  I said, hating them both.  They feigned normalcy.  “Nice to meet you.” They may have said.  But it was all bullshit.  These were two wild animals, bent on saying stupid things and misreading social situations.  Watching them perform for one another sent my blood pressure through the roof.  “Lasky wants to use the shower, mom.”  I said, inflecting helplessness.  “That’s fine.” She lied.  I could see it in her face.  If a glass of poison had been nearby she would have drank it.  Lasky didn’t pick up on it because Lasky picks up on nothing. 

This was how the cross-country trip began.  With these two baboons acting like they were “meeting.”  They weren’t meeting.  Not even close.  Take my word for it.  Apes, I tell you.  Complete apes.